Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
