WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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