I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
