last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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