The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
