The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you had me at cake vodka
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
