After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
