32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
