you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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