What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
