I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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