you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
