It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
