I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
