I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
