When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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