you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
