I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
