capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
