Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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