drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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