Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
