Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
