He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
