i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
