Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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