Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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