saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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