I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
