I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
