first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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