I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
