Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
