Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
