I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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