meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
