I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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