I wish my penis had an off switch
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
