went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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