you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
