Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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