Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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