And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
