I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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