Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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