K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
