u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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