Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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