I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
