It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
