Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
